


"I did it because I love you"

by pjlover666, Skylar_Matthews



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Comfort, Hurt and comfort, M/M, New Chance, Past Domestic Violence, Recovery, new start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 13:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20507591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pjlover666/pseuds/pjlover666, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar_Matthews/pseuds/Skylar_Matthews
Summary: A continuation of our one-shotLove EnduranceHoping there's still a chance, Prowl and Jazz are trying to fix the rift created between them.





	"I did it because I love you"

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct continuation of the fic [Love Endurance ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13622436)
> 
> It's about time we posted the aftermath of that fic and how Prowl and Jazz are trying to pick up the pieces. Naturally, it's not as easy as it seems and a bumpy roads waits for them.
> 
> I would advice to read first "Love Endurance" to know what this is about, but I think the fic is self explanatory ^^"  
If you go to read the other fic, please read the warnings.

  
Jazz stared out the shuttle window, feeling his frame numb.

They had put their life on hiatus in Iacon and grabbed the first shuttle to Praxus. They had grabbed the first chance at fixing this. At fixing /them/. Some might argue that too much had happened between them; that they were broken beyond repair but Jazz refused to believe that.  
The worst was behind them. Now all they needed to do was get up and dust themselves off. They survived so much already.

Prowl had rented for them a nice little apartment. It really wasn’t big compared to their house in Iacon but Jazz found himself preferring that. Smaller… smaller was better. It didn’t seem as empty with Redwing gone off to college and pursuing his own dreams.

Jazz prayed for him that they haven’t messed him up more than any normal creator would. He dearly prayed for that.

Since he was legally bonded to Prowl, in spark and frame, Jazz was allowed to the inner side of the city. The apartment they rented had a living room that was connected to the kitchenette and berth room, and a small guest room. The apartment had only one wash-rack.   
Prowl quickly claimed the guest room. Ever since the ‘incident' happened both mechs had been careful to avoid any contact or lessen it to a bare minimum. Jazz knew Prowl was suffering just as he was, if not more and beating himself up for /everything/ that’s happened. Jazz found himself in a similar predicament, with longing to touch and be touched but at the same time flinching away every time something like that happened.

There was a calm around the two, both mechs waking on thin crystal around each other and very careful with that they said and what they did. Only when Redwing called did they try for his effort to appear alright and told no one about Jazz being sparked again, or how he ended up like that.

Then Prowl had his coding fixed and it felt so surreal. Jazz couldn’t believe that it was over.

This was it. It’s done. The nightmare was over...

And after one horribly lonely night alone in the apartment for Jazz and for Prowl in the hospital for observation, he was finally released the next orn.

“…Does your helm hurt?” Jazz asked quietly as he poured Prowl energon. He was concerned still. Plus, some things never changed. Jazz couldn’t stop doing things as he did while Prowl was still under the influence of the code. It had become reflex for him to pour the energon, to open the doors, to clean, to simply… be the perfect mate. He had mastered that.

“No,” Prowl replied. “Nothing feels different and yet there are occasional tugs at my code as it settles.”

"Tugs?" Jazz asked, concerned as he poured himself some energon and added the additives he was prescribed before he joined Prowl at the table. "Is it something I do? Am I triggering something?"

“The medics did say it would happen as my thought processes settled and formed a new normal,” Prowl shared. “It should calm down in an orn or two but might last for a week. I have an appointment then to determine whether everything worked or not.”

"Alright. As long as long as you're okay." Jazz said quietly and took a sip from his energon.

“I believe so,” Prowl replied. He dropped his gaze to his cube of energon as he pulled it forward. He didn’t speak but took a drink to cover the silence.

A silence that was _horrible_.   
  
And it wasn't just now. Ever since the last line was crossed something had changed in the air between them and it was suffocating them both. Jazz missed his mate so much.  
  
"...Prowl." Jazz wanted to whispered but instead it came out as a whimper. He wanted to say so much more but the words were stuck in his throat. He didn't know /how/ to say them. They were just so many that they had all piled up and he felt like bursting.

Prowl tipped him helm up as if to look at Jazz but he couldn’t bring himself to actually look. Instead, his optics remained downcast but he did reach out hesitantly with his field. “Do you need something?” Prowl asked in a whisper.

"...I need you to look at me." Jazz whispered, "_Please_ Prowl. I don't blame you. Just please _look_ at me."

Prowl’s entire frame tensed so hard his wings began to quiver. It took a klik but his helm slowly began moving up. His optics had shut off, however, and he took another klik of slow and steady vents before he onlined them.

Jazz was staring back at him, giving him that broken look filled with desperation and so much longing. "...I want us to be happy." He whispered. "I want us....to-to /fix/ the rift created. But I don't know how. And I /can't/ do it on my own. Please Prowl, I don't know what to do anymore."

“What am I supposed to say?” Prowl asked. “You don’t listen to me anyway...”

"I... I listen! How could you say that?" Jazz asked, confused and hurt by that accusation. "Especially the last several vorns. I've done /nothing/ but listen and obey you." He whispered.

“You listen to the code that will hurt you if you don’t behave,” Prowl corrected him. “You don’t listen to /me/.”

"I don't understand." Jazz said, even more confused now. He pulled his cube closer, becoming more nervous but he repeated in his head the code was gone now. Prowl... Prowl wouldn't hurt him. "...When have I not listened to you? You're the most important mech besides Redwing in my life. I always listen to you."

“Except when I told you to leave.”

Jazz stared as if struck. "...And I told you I love you too much to do that." He whispered. "I would /never/ do that."

“You would not be sparked right now if you had listened,” Prowl said, his voice low as well.

Jazz stared, feeling tears pool behind his visor but thankfully it hid them. "...I love my newspark." Jazz said with conviction and without any doubt. He pressed a hand to his chest and stared at Prowl, challenging him to deny that. "...Do you love him as well?"

He asked quietly.

“Of course!” His wings even flew up with the words and he brought them back down before continuing. “My love for him is entirely separate from my feelings on how he was created.”

Jazz flinched despite himself but kept looking at Prowl. "...I am happy you love him too." He whispered, balling the fist hidden from view under the table as the next words frightened him. "...It's not r-rape if it's between mates." He murmured before his voice normalized. "...I don't blame you." He said and even extended his field for the other to feel the sincerity in his words. "I /don't/. It wasn't your fault. It...it was a defective code branch. I know it wasn't you. For /vorns/ I knew it wasn't you."

“That doesn’t make me feel any better about what I did!” Prowl argued. “I can not even begin to fathom that there was a part of me that thought it was acceptable to hurt the mech I love, much less that you lack so much self preservation that you /allowed/ me to continue. I have to live with that, with everything I did and everything you /let/ me do, for the rest of my life. Do you have any idea how painful that all is?”

"Do you /know/ what was the alternative?!" Jazz argued back, flinching again at Prowl's volume and his own pain at the entire situation. "_Do you?_ I would have /faded/ without you! That's how much I love you. I need you in my life and I would do it all over again if I had the choice! I would do /anything/ to keep you close to me! I would allow you to break every strut in my frame if it meant in the end I get to have the mech I love!"

“That is **not** healthy,” Prowl replied. “How could you even love someone who thinks it is acceptable to hurt you?”

"Perhaps.... But you have to understand how much I love you back... and I know you love me too. Because I know you don't like and never liked hurting me. If you didn't... if you didn't love me back I wouldn't stay with you. But you do. Everything was perfect and then that code anomaly happened. But I /knew/ you loved me. I just did." Jazz took a deep breath to righten himself. "We just... we need to overcome this. I want us to be happy. I want you to smile when you look at me ...and not avoid my optics. You shouldn't be ashamed of anything. It's both our fault it reached this level."

Prowl sighed and looked away. “Why do you refuse to understand?”

"Then explain it. Plain and simple." Jazz said and there was desperation in his voice. "Prowl, please." He whispered, terrified this would be a rift they wont be able to jump over.

Prowl exvented deeply and wouldn’t look at Jazz again but he did speak. “I did horrible things, yes, but I offered you a way to be safe and you refused. Then I did even worse things. I am supposed to arrest mechs like me. Those who repeatedly hurt others, especially those they should be taking care of. How am I supposed to live with myself after the things I did because you refused to leave me?”

"...If it was so horrible for you why didn't /you/ leave?" Jazz whispered, pained. "You knew very well I wouldn't. Pit, you probably knew if you did leave I would've searched for you. But you also didn't do anything. I lied to the enforcer while I was in the hospital, but you also didn't say anything." Jazz looked down. "...It's /both/ our faults things reached this point. Now... now we have to find a way to fix things."

“It would have been easier for you to leave than for me to move Redwing and disturb his life. You wouldn’t have been able to afford our home if I did leave anyway so the simplest solution was for you to walk away.”

Jazz stared in horror. "...You /expected/ me to leave not just /you/ but Redwing as well?! No! That's even more reason for me not to do it! And if by some miracle I did agree to leave it certainly would't have been without Redwing."

“And you think you would have been allowed to take him?” Prowl did look to him now, wings flared in shock. “You would try to take the creation of a Praxian who was already hurting you when he /liked/ you? That would have been suicide!”

Jazz jumped slightly in his seat and tried not to shake at the memories at the few times he had threatened Prowl to take Redwing. "...I would have maybe found a way. But that's even /if/ I had chosen to leave! Which I didn't! How do you expect me to leave not only my mate, the love of my life, but my creation as well?"

“So you would rather die by said mate’s hand, and possibly in front of your creation, than leave and be safe? How is that fair to me? How is that fair to Redwing?”

Jazz couldn't stop the whimper that escaped him but he shook his head and gathered himself up. "You /wouldn't/ have killed me! You only wanted to punish! And how many times did I tell you a life without you is equal to death for me anyway!"

“And what about for me?” Prowl questioned. “You knew I could not control it. Why did you force me into a situation where I could not help committing such horrible acts?”

"What was the alternatives?" Jazz asked, pained. "And it should't matter anymore. The code glitch is gone, you're normal again, you won't hurt me anymore. We...we can start over! We can raise this creation /right/." He pressed a hand to his chest. "There was no other way..."

“There was too,” Prowl argued. “There were so many better ways! Why won’t you understand that?”

"No, there weren't! There were no other ways! And good thing that I waited too! Now you're code is fixed and everything is alright!" Jazz argued back. "I told you, leaving you and Redwing was NEVER an option. Even if I chose to leave you I /would/ have taken Redwing! Because I would't have ever left without him!"

“So instead you encouraged me to become the type of mech I have always despised.” Prowl’s wings sank. “I don’t even know how to not hate myself for everything I did.”

"How can you say that? How can you say I encouraged something like that?" Jazz asked, pained. "...Are you trying to say it's /all/ my fault?" He whispered.

“You never left and never turned me in,” Prowl reminded him. “You knew I could not stop it so by remaining, you helped facilitate everything that happened. I even tried to convince you to leave. I did /every/thing /I/ could and you refused my every attempt, so yes, you do deserve blame as well.”

"I know! I've been saying it since the start! We BOTH are at fault!" Jazz said, upset. "But if I haven't done that then we wouldn't be together! We would've separated! And you would be alone no, with no mate and no Redwing! I couldn't do that to you! I couldn't do that to myself!"

“So instead you turned me into a rapist!”

Prowl stood then, moving so suddenly the chair scrapped the floor. His wings were quivering on his back. “I can’t do this. You refuse to listen. You refuse to even apologize for what you pushed me to. You should have left. If I had left then I could have always returned at any point. If you left then you could have vanished but no, you had to stay because it was the least logical and most painful option for both of us.”  
  
Prowl exvented and forced his wings down. “I need to not be here. This is not helping anything.” He started towards the door even as he spoke.

"No."  
  
Jazz cried out and ran after the other, suddenly blocking his way and stared at him pained. "You refuse to listen! I said it several times! I don't blame you! _I DON'T_! I didn't think I need to apologize for something I never even blamed you! But if you want to hear it, fine!" Jazz dared to step closer, shaking. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so /sorry/. I /never/ wanted to hurt you. I did what I thought was best so that we could stay together! For me the worst thing was us separating! You're NOT a rapist! You're not! Prowl… please." Jazz felt himself crying. "I need you, please don't go."

“Yes, I am. I forced you to interface when you did not want it. I am the worst sort in fact as I went after your spark.” Prowl’s wings twitched more and more as he spoke. “Not only that, I forced you to carry. I am the worst sort of mech.”

"It...it wasn't you!" Jazz argued weakly. "You are not the worst, the code was the worst! "You always tried to protect me, to help me. And we'll overcome this, somehow. Please, please don't go. We came to Praxus and...and we can have a new start? Prowl...."

“It was still a portion of my code and my frame that committed those atrocious acts,” Prowl argued. “And I am not leaving you. I just need some space right now.”

Jazz didn't know how to answer to that and instead he just nodded, hugging himself. "...Alright." He whispered and stepped out of Prowl's way.

Prowl did not respond. He simply walked past his mate and out the door. He did not even know where he was going, he just knew he needed some time and space.

Jazz stared at the closed door and it was several breems when he felt the tears on his face. He didn't even bother to wipe them away, it was pointless.

Instead Jazz returned to doing what he was good at and cleaned the table of their barely touched energon. Then he went to the berth room and curled up, finally allowing himself to weep properly as his spark /hurt/.  
  
~  
The silence was a constant for them and ironically it was /deafening/ for Jazz. He wanted so much to just... talk, about anything, really. But Prowl still couldn't look at him and Jazz did his best to give him his space.   
  
Though a few orns later it all became too much for Jazz and all he needed was a small push over the edge.  
  
He had a nightmare, which wasn't all that surprising given the stress. But the problem was he couldn't calm down. So shame or no shame he found himself in front of Prowl's room, shaking and positively a wreck as he knocked on the door.

The door opened after a moment. Prowl stood there and stared at him. “Jazz? What is it? Did something happen?”

"...I...I know you want space but can I just stay with you for a little while?" Jazz asked quietly, ashamed. "Please? It... Nightmare." In the end he just murmured. They have been together for a long time so the other knew Jazz hated staying alone after a nightmare. It was most difficult when Prowl had a night shift and Jazz was alone, but right now it was even more difficult because they were so close yet so far away from each other.

Prowl thought about it for a moment and then flicked his wings. “Alright. Come inside and we can talk about it.”

"...You don't have to do that. I just... I'll sit on the chair and you can resume recharge." Jazz said as he stepped into the other's room, feeling as always like he was walking on fragile crystal around Prowl.

Prowl caught his hand and slowly drew him over to the berth. “And that will do nothing to actually help you so we will not do that.”

Jazz's breath hitched. Prowl... was touching him. He hadn't reached to look at him, let alone touch him in so long. Jazz felt himself unable to resist being tugged towards the berth and sat down, worried if he was pushing Prowl too much too soon.

"...You know I get silly nightmares. I just.. i just need a little time to settle, that's all." Jazz murmured, which was true. Another fact was that he got nightmares like this when he was stressed.

“Then we can simply lay together until you are calm, as always,” Prowl commented. “Isn’t that why you came to me?”

"...I did. I _hoped_. But I... was ready to accept just being in one room with you." Jazz whispered, staring down at his lap, one hand resting on his chest. "I would've accepted even just sitting on that chair."

Prowl tentatively settled his hand over Jazz’s and simply stared at them. Eventually, he spoke softly. “I miss you so much...”

"I... I miss you so much too." Jazz whimpered and looked up at Prowl with longing, feeling himself crying. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I really am. I never... I never wanted to hurt you... to... to make you feel..." He reached with his other hand to brush the tears from his face, ashamed of them. "I just didn't want to lose you but I did so anyway..."

Prowl let his wings sink and he looked up to meet Jazz’s optics with sadness in his field. “If you had just left then we would not be in this situation now. I would have tried to reach out if I ever received a solution to my dilemma.”

"...It was too much of a risk." Jazz whispered, "What if you didn't find a solution? We didn't for so, so long. I just... I couldn't leave. Not without you... and especially not Redwing. And you said so yourself if I had tried to take him it might have been worse..." Jazz finally looked down, ashamed. "...What's done is done. I just... I want us to move on. To... to be happy." He bit his lip. "...I've been thinking... what if we alter our memory of... of his sparking?" He winced. "Go to a code specialist and....ask him to... change it, to make it seem like I was willing.... I /should/ have been willing. Why... why did I fight you..?"

“Because I did not even try to ask your permission and continued even when you refused,” Prowl replied and there was sadness in his tone. “It was well within your right to refuse.”

"What's done is done." Jazz whispered, "Now we have to focus on getting better. You.... you still want to be with me?" He asked, afraid of the answer.

“I don’t deserve you after everything I put you through and I should not have to have a mate who does not trust my judgement in dire situations,” Prowl explained slowly. “However, I do love you far too much to want anyone else so if you will have me and are willing to listen in the future, then yes I do.”

Jazz nodded and hid his face in Prowl's shoulder. It was....difficult to say yes to that. Especially if Prowl was so selfless to demand they split up. He wasn't.... he wasn't like that. But it was a change he was willing to take because he /needed/ his mate back.  
  
"...Alright." Jazz whispered, pained. "...Alright. I'm sorry." He murmured.

Prowl brought his arms up to hug Jazz close. “Thank you,” he whispered softly.

Jazz dared to hug him back, squeezing tightly. "Oh /Prowl/..." He whispered.

“I am right here, love.” Prowl’s voice stayed soft. He dared not risk shattering what they had now if he spoke too loudly.

"...Is there something I can do to make you feel better?" Jazz whispered, refusing to let go. It's been so long since he's held the other and been held back in return.

“Can we just lay together?” Prowl asked. It was more than he actually should hope for and yet such a small request. “Are you still worried about another nightmare?”

Jazz nodded. "...Yeah. Thank you." He murmured. "...I've missed your arms around me." He dared himself to admit.

“As have I,” Prowl admitted and he slowly began to shift their position.

Jazz allowed the shift and once they were in a laying position curled up against Prowl, shaking with the force of his emotions. "We can be happy here in Praxus, right?" He asked timidly.

“I hope so,” Prowl replied softly. “And if we aren’t, if you dislike the city, then we can move once I have been confirmed as fixed.”

"As long as we're together, I'm okay with everything." Jazz murmured and nuzzled him, relishing in the closeness with his mate once more.  
  
~


End file.
